The Longest Engagement
01.11.06 (7:29 am) [edit]
TPS:
My boyfriend just started his second semester in a PhD program at Yale. We’ve been engaged for the last three years and living in Santa Fe. When he moved for school I decided to stay back because I finally established my own massage therapy business here. I have plenty of clients and am making pretty good money.
I visited him three times during the fall and he came back for Christmas for two weeks. Everything was great (better than usual, actually) and he’s never cheated on me, never done anything to make me think he would cheat, but I'm completely jealous of everything he does anyway. He’s a hard worker and most of what he tells me has to do with learning old English, but even that makes me jealous.
So I got mad at him when he came for Christmas, even though he didn’t do anything, he just wanted to hang out with friends (my friends, too). I told him I was sorry and things were okay, but I wanted to set a date for the wedding. When we first got engaged we set a date but we kept postponing and recently he said he just needed to concentrate on his school applications. But now I feel like we’re never getting married, and I’ll be here for five years until he finishes his program.
I told him I would move to Connecticut next fall if we got married this summer, and he said that he’d love it if I moved, but he didn’t think he could concentrate on getting married right now. Between studying and teaching undergrads, he says he’s got no time. I know marriage is important to him and he really wants to do it right, but I don’t know if I can wait. I feel like a selfish bitch but I can’t help it.
What should I do?
–Desert Bitch
DB,
Here’s the good news: you’re not selfish.
A couple might postpone a wedding for valid reasons, I’m sure—maybe postpone a wedding for three years, I suppose—but I can’t think of one offhand. Immigration laws, perhaps?
You want to get married, and it sounds like you’ve been pushing for the wedding throughout the conspicuous duration of your engagement, and your turtleneck-wearing Ivy Leaguer keeps giving you the straight-arm. Well, DB, that doesn’t sound like too sweet a deal for you.
That’s the bad news. For the sake of conversation, I can imagine a distant wedding taking place with Dr. Beowulf, but the wedding ain't gonna happen before he explores all his options and checks out the angles.
Here are the only two reasons why a guy will put off a wedding:
1. He might be the starchy sort of bloke who needs to know he can financially support you. However, the ratio between guys-who-need-to-support and guys-who-claim-they-need- to-support yields a very slim dividend. I won’t tell you that your man isn’t this rare breed of chivalrous knight, but I expect you ought to read some Chaucer before you accept this conclusion.
2. Most likely, though, he just wants to make sure there isn’t anyone with a nicer smile out there, somewhere, anywhere at all, than you have. I’m sure your smile is plenty nice, but that’s how it goes with guys. Not all guys, true–but usually with guys who put off weddings for three years. If he really loved you (and knew it) he would worry that you might forget the right-sexiness of a small-dicked book nerd. He would have married you before moving, and chained you down properly like all card-carrying medieval gentlemen.
Break it off, and reclaim a smidgeon of self-respect, Desert Bitch. Perhaps he’ll come begging—at the very least, you’ll probably be able to milk him for a couple of those pathetic, 7th grade love letters he still gives you to explain why he can’t get it up.
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Send your own questions to The Phallic Suggestion!
My boyfriend just started his second semester in a PhD program at Yale. We’ve been engaged for the last three years and living in Santa Fe. When he moved for school I decided to stay back because I finally established my own massage therapy business here. I have plenty of clients and am making pretty good money.
I visited him three times during the fall and he came back for Christmas for two weeks. Everything was great (better than usual, actually) and he’s never cheated on me, never done anything to make me think he would cheat, but I'm completely jealous of everything he does anyway. He’s a hard worker and most of what he tells me has to do with learning old English, but even that makes me jealous.
So I got mad at him when he came for Christmas, even though he didn’t do anything, he just wanted to hang out with friends (my friends, too). I told him I was sorry and things were okay, but I wanted to set a date for the wedding. When we first got engaged we set a date but we kept postponing and recently he said he just needed to concentrate on his school applications. But now I feel like we’re never getting married, and I’ll be here for five years until he finishes his program.
I told him I would move to Connecticut next fall if we got married this summer, and he said that he’d love it if I moved, but he didn’t think he could concentrate on getting married right now. Between studying and teaching undergrads, he says he’s got no time. I know marriage is important to him and he really wants to do it right, but I don’t know if I can wait. I feel like a selfish bitch but I can’t help it.
What should I do?
–Desert Bitch
DB,
Here’s the good news: you’re not selfish.
A couple might postpone a wedding for valid reasons, I’m sure—maybe postpone a wedding for three years, I suppose—but I can’t think of one offhand. Immigration laws, perhaps?
You want to get married, and it sounds like you’ve been pushing for the wedding throughout the conspicuous duration of your engagement, and your turtleneck-wearing Ivy Leaguer keeps giving you the straight-arm. Well, DB, that doesn’t sound like too sweet a deal for you.
That’s the bad news. For the sake of conversation, I can imagine a distant wedding taking place with Dr. Beowulf, but the wedding ain't gonna happen before he explores all his options and checks out the angles.
Here are the only two reasons why a guy will put off a wedding:
1. He might be the starchy sort of bloke who needs to know he can financially support you. However, the ratio between guys-who-need-to-support and guys-who-claim-they-need- to-support yields a very slim dividend. I won’t tell you that your man isn’t this rare breed of chivalrous knight, but I expect you ought to read some Chaucer before you accept this conclusion.
2. Most likely, though, he just wants to make sure there isn’t anyone with a nicer smile out there, somewhere, anywhere at all, than you have. I’m sure your smile is plenty nice, but that’s how it goes with guys. Not all guys, true–but usually with guys who put off weddings for three years. If he really loved you (and knew it) he would worry that you might forget the right-sexiness of a small-dicked book nerd. He would have married you before moving, and chained you down properly like all card-carrying medieval gentlemen.
Break it off, and reclaim a smidgeon of self-respect, Desert Bitch. Perhaps he’ll come begging—at the very least, you’ll probably be able to milk him for a couple of those pathetic, 7th grade love letters he still gives you to explain why he can’t get it up.
Copyright ©2004, ©2005, ©2006. The Phallic Suggestion. All rights reserved.
Send your own questions to The Phallic Suggestion!